My teddy is just called "Ted"

So, this is about the recent arrest, jailing and pardoning of an English woman in Sudan for calling a teddy bear Mohammed. If I may (and this is my blog, so I guess I can do what I want), I’d like to open this piece with a couple of paragraphs from Wikipedia’s entry on Sudan. And please, no “Anyone can edit Wikipedia, so it’s all bollocks.” If you disagree with anything cited, please give me some proof to look at and I’ll be happy to do so. Ok, on with the quotage.

“The humanitarian branch of the United Nations, consisting of several UN agencies coordinated by OCHA [Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs], works to bring life-saving relief to those in need. It is estimated by OCHA, that over 3.5 million people in Darfur (including 2.2 million IDPs [Internally Displaced Persons, acronym fans!]) are heavily reliant on humanitarian aid for their survival. By contrast, in 2007 OCHA, under the leadership of Eliane Duthoit, started to gradually phase out in Southern Sudan, where humanitarian needs are gradually diminishing, and are slowly but markedly leaving the place to recovery and development activities.
In July 2007, many parts of the country were devastated by flooding, prompting an immediate humanitarian response by the United Nations and partners, under the leadership of acting United Nations Resident Coordinators David Gressly and Oluseyi Bajulaiye. Over 400,000 people were directly affected, with over 3.5 million at risk of epidemics. The United Nations have allocated US$ 13.5 million for the response from its pooled funds, but will launch an appeal to the international community to cover the gap.”

Sounds like a place with problems, huh? So what the cocking hell are people doing getting offended about a teddy bear? If you’re living in Sudan and have that much time on your hands, go and help your fellow countrymen you stupid bastards! Go and help rebuild something, instead of campaigning to have flogged a woman who cam to your country to help.

I’ve tried to construe the situation as something other than proof religion needs to be a private thing, not something that dictates government or legal policy. But I can’t. It’s sheer insanity to have a situation where a teacher can be locked up for naming a toy. And before anyone in this country gets too cocky, let’s remember that at the moment, we’re still restricted on when we can shop on a Sunday because a small minority of people think we should be in church. Are we so far away from something equally stupid happening?

I’d like to have written more on this, but I can’t think of anything else to say without going off on a long rant. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a dildo and name it Mohammed.

I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon

I've come to a conclusion. It's not a popular view, but it's true. And you're not going to like it. But, the indisputable fact is this: if I don't know you, you're probably pretty stupid.

I was kinda tempted to just leave it there, but that wouldn't make for a particularly good read. "Hey, Sledge thinks I'm stupid. You know what? He's right!" As much as it would be nice for people to respect me so much that that would happen, they don't so it won't. So I guess I'd better expand and explain. Which actually is my first point: so many people don't seem to understand the value of being able to explain why they just said something. Really, you can test this. Go to any forum on the internet, any pub, any real or virtual gathering place for humans. Listen to/read conversations. It won't be long before someone says something that's pretty retarded, with no explanation whatsoever. At this point, if you value your sanity, leave. DO NOT attempt to get an explanation out of them. See, these people don't actually know why they think what they think. They just cling to a view that someone once said, and "Well, that's my opinion, so leave me alone." This is the most retarded point of view in the world. And it's responsible for pretty much any evil you can think of in the world.

Too strong a point? No. See, when you're talking about toy guns, or books, or... fuck, any of the irrelevant stuff we spend most of our lives discussing, it doesn't really matter why someone holds the view they do. If you think Batman Returns is better than Batman Begins, well, fuck you, but it doesn't matter. That era is over, Nolan is the future, so it sucks to be you. But both of us can enjoy the films we like, and mock each other for our blatantly wrong views. But when you start discussing serious topics you can't just say "It's my opinion, so you can't tell me I'm wrong" doesn't cut it. That's the only defence most forms of discrimination have, when you come down to it. "Black people/Asians/women/Jews are just inferior, so we shouldn't have to pay them/employ them/let them live." Delete as appropriate and that's basically any sexist or racist argument. So, if you've ever tried to justify pretty much anything with "that's my opinion," then you're stupid.

What else marks you as stupid? Any use of the phrase "postmodernism" to defend... anything. I have had arguments with people who think The Matrix is a great film because it makes a postmodernist statement. Sorry, but that's just bullshit. You're using a buzzword to defend something that either you know is actually shit, but you want to get a reaction out of people, or you know it's shit but you secretly enjoy it. I can sit down and explain exactly why The Matrix is the late-90s equivalent of 80s shoot-em-up flicks. If your best response is "it's postmodern," you're stupid.

Spelling. Punctuation. Correct pronunciation. And, more to the point, people who don't use them, then bleat "wot does it matter u know wat i ment." You fucking morons, language is about the most important thing on Earth. Every single one of us is essentially alone. No one can see what is in your mind. Language is all we have to get what we think, feel, believe, want and need across to other people. How can anyone claim it isn't important to use language as correctly as possible? Ultimately, it is what has enabled us to rise above all the other species of animal on this planet. We can pass on information to others. If you don't think that's important, please hand over every single thing you own and go live in a fucking forest.

This next one is internet specific. It's people who post on a forum to ask a question that could easily be answered with Google. I don't mean questions that need some degree of technical knowledge already, I mean stuff like "what year was this film made?" or "what media player to I need to open this file?" YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET. It's the single biggest source of information on the planet, and yet some people refuse to use it. How is it any fun to be spoon fed the answer to every question that crosses your mind? Wouldn't you feel so much better if you got off your virtual arse and looked for answers yourself?

People called Colin. They just need to fuck off. Seriously. Has anyone called Colin ever achieved anything of note? The only one I can think of is General Colin Powell, and he's so embarrassed by the name he'd rather be called "Colon." Naming your child Colin should be regarded as child abuse and outlawed. Then we can use the word as a term of abuse for extremely boring people. Much as it is now, in fact.

Now, here's the catch: if I actually know you, chances are you exhibit one or more of these traits. I'll probably add to this list at a later date, increasing your chances of being on it. So why don't I hate every single person on the planet? Because people you know are different. You know that. I know that. Something that in a stranger makes you want to kill them can be perfectly charming in a friend or loved one. But this is why the internet is full of arguments: you're constantly having to deal with people you don't know who are therefore just really stupid. But they're not. They're just people you don't know.

Except in my case. I really am right, and the rest of you really are all stupid.

Anime and why it can piss off

It's time someone came out with this, and as someone not known for being backward when it comes to being forward, I guess it falls to me to say it. Like Lazlo Woodbine, I never learnt to play reggae in the Australian hinterland, so I don't know how to beat around the bush. And only a frog wets the bed when there's a rain hat in the closet, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do.

"Sledge, you dumbass, quit the comedy novel references and tell us what you're going on about," I shall pretend, for the purposes of continuing this already overly-verbose article, you've said. Well, it's quite simple. Anime sucks. Yeah, all those fucking Japanese cartoons with little girls being sodomised by tentacled monsters, or people with preposterous hair making a thirty second fight last half an hour via the medium of shouting the name of each attack while the background flares into a Star Wars hyperspace effect. It sucks.

Ok, I appreciate that that's a sweeping statement. And yes, you get the occasional good piece of anime. In much the same way that you get the occasional child who can play piano concertos at the age of three. But it's not the mind-boggling stupidity of most of anime that bugs me. It's the fact that every anime fan on Earth seems compelled to make "videos" of their favorite piece of music with clips from anime. They then upload these videos to Youtube, where they get in the way of me finding the actual music video I want. And then, to compound the problem, every anime fan on Earth uploads THE SAME FUCKING VIDEO. What the titty-fucking hell is the point of that? Here's a hint: if you've found a video on the net and want to share via Youtube, check to see if it's already there. Unless you just made it yourself, it probably is.

I realise this is a small gripe in the grand scheme of things, but if we can address the little problems, maybe the world will be a better place. Or at least one where I don't swear so often.

If that's your best, your best won't do

I've had quite a lot of people emailing and asking on this blog why I was banned from arniesairsoft.co.uk. Don't you people have anything better to do? :P The totally honest answer is I don't know. I THINK I know, but I'm not enough of an asshole to present my suppositions as fact, especially where I'm trying to work out other people's motivations. I can tell you I was banned without any warning, or explanation. But that's pretty much it. And frankly, I don't give a shit. See, I'd already left the forum when I was banned. This was effectively like quitting a job, only to have the manager shout "You can't quit, you're fired!" just as you walk out the door. Pretty fucking childish, but I've come to expect little else.

"So what's your problem, Sledge?" I imagine you ask. Basically, I think Arnie's is being run into the ground. Too many teenage numpties running unchecked, and too many moderators who aren't shaving more than once a week. If you disagree with that, fair do's. But you're wrong. And because this is my blog, I can say that. If you disagree, fuck off and start your own blog, I'm not interested in debating the point. I can say that Arnie's has been ruined by an influx of retarded Americans without someone accusing me of racism. I can say that airsoft in this country is basically fucked without taking a shitstorm from people accusing me of negativity. I can say that ASCUK is run by a group of arrogant tossers. Gosh, the freedom is amazing.

I'd like to be clear on a point: Arnie's is still the best airsoft forum around. But that was never a great title. It was like being awarded the title of "Nicest Nazi": the competition makes it a fairly easy title to win. But up to a couple of years ago, Arnie's was still a good forum to visit. It was miles ahead of the other airsoft forums. Now it's limping, and about to fall into the pack of ASCUK, UKAN, and all the American forums that even Americans prefer not to go on. And seriously, those forums MUST be shit if Americans would prefer to visit what was a predominantely UK forum than one that focuses on the area they live in.

So... I haven't actually answered the question, have I? Ok, here's the plan. If you want to know why I was banned from Arnie's (and well done, because you clearly care more than I do), ask one of the moderators. I don't mind them telling you, you can link them to this blog as proof. If you want to know why I decided to leave Arnies, well I think Twisted Sister pretty much covered it with a song lyric I used as the title of this piece.

School Daze

Pondering my school days today, I realised that whilst I hated and detested school with every fibre of my being, there was one day a year that always stood out as a total fucking nightmare. It had no educational value, it wasted the time of every single person present, and it contributed to the bullying problems that every school has. I speak of course of the school sports day.

I'll be honest here: I'm a lardy git. Was at school, still am. I didn't take part in the events, and was glad of this. "Ah, that'll explain it," I'm sure someone is saying at this point. "You're jealous of the fit people." No. I'm pissed off at having had to spend many afternoons sitting in a field in the blistering heat, watching morons run round a track whilst sweating half my bodyweight away. And incidentally, how did my school every single year manage to pick the single hottest day of the year for sports day? Meteorologists can't predict any more than about a week ahead, but the headmaster of my old school could see nine months in advance to pick out the best day for frying children alive. Awe inspiring, really.

Meandering back to the point, my friends and I would attempt to escape this torture. On any other school day, you could leave the school at any time by simply walking out of the gate. Didn't fancy your next lesson? Fine, wander off to the local shop. But on sports day, the teaching staff deployed along the perimeter to block every possible escape route. So, to put that in context, they couldn't be bothered to make kids stay in school and learn, but they'd go to the ends of the Earth to make sure we watched someone jump into some sand. Good to see they had their priorities set right.

As I understand the school system, it's purpose is to make sure every child is given an education. I didn't like that, but I grudgingly accepted it. But where does sports day fit into that? What did anyone learn from sports day? That some people are better at sports than others. Well, knock me down with a swimming costume! I don't know if this is a sign of my super intellect, but I'd figured that out by about the time I was four years old. I didn't need to have this proved to me once a year for the next fourteen years. So what were we learning? All I learnt was that school uniform was exceptionally uncomfortable on a hot day. Not knowledge I've been able to use since leaving school, but by God I learnt it well.

So we weren't learning anything, and we were wasting time. To be fair, that probably sums up most of school, but I also think sports day added to the bullying problem in schools. Of course, I can only speak about the school I was at, but I never saw the academic, bookish types pushing people around. If someone was verbally or physically assaulting another person, it would be someone who was placed on a pedestal because of their athletic ability. Why was so much emphasis put on sporting achievements in an environment that is supposed to be preparing people to go out into the world and earn their living? Yes, I know some people make their living as professional sportsmen, but it's not a huge number. Why didn't we get more of a focus on academic achievements? Why not some spelling contests, public speaking contests, something that tests relevant and useful skills?

So these meatheads were not only stupid, but they were publicly praised for their great skills in kicking a ball, or running round a track. Gee, who would think they'd ever get it into their heads that they were better than the people who couldn't kick a ball? To this day, it amazes me not that some kids in American schools go nuts with guns, but that more kids everywhere don't. What I wouldn't have given to get my hands on a belt-fed machine gun on sports day. A few hundred rounds of ammunition carefully used that afternoon would have solved about 90% of the school's bullying problems there and then.

It has been suggested it's a good thing I don't plan on having children.

Things I learnt from Batman Begins, Part 1

Women are never satisfied. Seriously, what is Rachel Dawes problem in this film? Let's look at her reactions to Bruce Wayne in this film:

1) Bruce: I want revenge on the man who killed my parents.
Rachel: My god, you utter bastard! Your father would be ashamed of you!

2) Bruce: I've returned after seven years, and now I'm having a good time instead of constantly obsessing over revenge.
Rachel: My god, you utter bastard! How DARE you be having fun!

3) Bruce: Ok, you've found out I'm Batman. I've saved your life at least three times. Also, in the few weeks since my return, I've done more damage to the criminal underworld in Gotham than you managed in seven years working for the DA's office.
Rachel: My god, you utter bastard! How dare you have found a way to effectively fight crime! I want nothing to do with you until you give this up.

Frankly, this is a staggeringly accurate example of female illogic, and makes Batman Begins one of the most realistic films around. Here's hoping Batbale gets a little action in the next film.

Anonymous people

Well, with the blog active again, the anonymous cowards have decided to post. It does my ego good to know that these people feel compelled to comment on my words, but fear me too much to leave their name. Of course, what they don't know is I can track them down anyway. But that's fun for another day...