School Daze

Pondering my school days today, I realised that whilst I hated and detested school with every fibre of my being, there was one day a year that always stood out as a total fucking nightmare. It had no educational value, it wasted the time of every single person present, and it contributed to the bullying problems that every school has. I speak of course of the school sports day.

I'll be honest here: I'm a lardy git. Was at school, still am. I didn't take part in the events, and was glad of this. "Ah, that'll explain it," I'm sure someone is saying at this point. "You're jealous of the fit people." No. I'm pissed off at having had to spend many afternoons sitting in a field in the blistering heat, watching morons run round a track whilst sweating half my bodyweight away. And incidentally, how did my school every single year manage to pick the single hottest day of the year for sports day? Meteorologists can't predict any more than about a week ahead, but the headmaster of my old school could see nine months in advance to pick out the best day for frying children alive. Awe inspiring, really.

Meandering back to the point, my friends and I would attempt to escape this torture. On any other school day, you could leave the school at any time by simply walking out of the gate. Didn't fancy your next lesson? Fine, wander off to the local shop. But on sports day, the teaching staff deployed along the perimeter to block every possible escape route. So, to put that in context, they couldn't be bothered to make kids stay in school and learn, but they'd go to the ends of the Earth to make sure we watched someone jump into some sand. Good to see they had their priorities set right.

As I understand the school system, it's purpose is to make sure every child is given an education. I didn't like that, but I grudgingly accepted it. But where does sports day fit into that? What did anyone learn from sports day? That some people are better at sports than others. Well, knock me down with a swimming costume! I don't know if this is a sign of my super intellect, but I'd figured that out by about the time I was four years old. I didn't need to have this proved to me once a year for the next fourteen years. So what were we learning? All I learnt was that school uniform was exceptionally uncomfortable on a hot day. Not knowledge I've been able to use since leaving school, but by God I learnt it well.

So we weren't learning anything, and we were wasting time. To be fair, that probably sums up most of school, but I also think sports day added to the bullying problem in schools. Of course, I can only speak about the school I was at, but I never saw the academic, bookish types pushing people around. If someone was verbally or physically assaulting another person, it would be someone who was placed on a pedestal because of their athletic ability. Why was so much emphasis put on sporting achievements in an environment that is supposed to be preparing people to go out into the world and earn their living? Yes, I know some people make their living as professional sportsmen, but it's not a huge number. Why didn't we get more of a focus on academic achievements? Why not some spelling contests, public speaking contests, something that tests relevant and useful skills?

So these meatheads were not only stupid, but they were publicly praised for their great skills in kicking a ball, or running round a track. Gee, who would think they'd ever get it into their heads that they were better than the people who couldn't kick a ball? To this day, it amazes me not that some kids in American schools go nuts with guns, but that more kids everywhere don't. What I wouldn't have given to get my hands on a belt-fed machine gun on sports day. A few hundred rounds of ammunition carefully used that afternoon would have solved about 90% of the school's bullying problems there and then.

It has been suggested it's a good thing I don't plan on having children.