My spam

These days I tend to use my hotmail account for email, because my Yahoo account has found itself on a staggering number of spam mailing lists. Every day, more offers flood in for viagra, generic drugs, watches, porn, scams and warnings from banks I don't have accounts with. Apparently, scammers think I'm some sort of wanking moron with erectile dysfunction and no idea what time it is. Ok, I can understand why they'd think I'd be interested in naked women. Most men are. It's why we have the internet. But the rest of it is junk. In the hope of sorting this out, I'd like to clear up a few things. Spammers:

1) I do not require viagra. And if I did, I wouldn't buy it from someone also offering drugs for premature ejaculation. Seems your products aren't that good, are they? "Yeah, this'll give you an erection. Mind, you'll shoot your load in about five seconds if you don't buy some of these as well..." Also, I live in the UK. I realise that to Americans this will be a novel concept, but if I require medication, I see a doctor and take his advice. I don't demand prescriptions for specific brands, and I certainly don't buy from illegal websites. Call me crazy, but I prefer NOT to take something that could well be powdered anthrax.

2) I have a thing called "Limewire." As such, in case I do want porn, I don't want to pay some random website $15 for porn featuring a woman with half a metric fuckton of plastic in her chest. Really, if you're going to try and make me buy porn, at least use some attractive women in your adverts. Save the airfix versions until you've actually got my money.

3) Ever heard of ebay? Or Google? Trust me, if I did want a new watch, I'd search through them, rather than trust an advert from someone who probably got my address as a result of drunkenly searching for midget porn one night. And I don't wear a watch anyway. I realise this is something it would be difficult for you to know, but given I don't spend any time searching for new watches, I can't see why you've decided I'm your ideal target cheap Rolexes.

4) Speaking of which, why is the porn I get sent so dull? In this day and age, is this the best you can do? Woman masturbating, man and woman screwing, man and two women... we've seen that. Where's the midget porn? Where's the lesbians in a vat of jelly porn? Where's the imagination? Where, in short, is something that might tempt me to part with cash?

5) I'm pretty sure that, if a bank did wish to contact me, they wouldn't use an email account I've NEVER given to any bank.

6) Please come up with some new scams. I'm flattered you think I have an amount of money worth taking (I don't), but again, let's have some imagination. I'm not going to fall for the Nigerian widow who needs to transfer funds to my bank account. Can't you come up with something involving midget lesbians in jelly? I'm not saying it would work, but it'd come a damn sight closer to working than your present shit.

7) More of a random irritation this, but: stop putting a future date on your email so it jumps straight to the top of the pile. This does not make me think "ZOmG! Doc Brown is trying to contact me from the future!" It does mark you as a spammer and get your email deleted unread.

8) I am not interested in theories as to what really happened on 9/11 (which, by the way, is correctly written 11/9. Nothing happened on the 9th of November), or random religious texts. I am especially not interested in these when you have tried to make me read them by making them look like porn.

What we need is new, better spam. Spam doesn't annoy me because it clutters my inbox (that's what the delete button is FOR, people), but because it's a bit shit.