Easter. w00t
With it being Easter, it’s pretty hard for your mind not to turn to religion in general, and Christianity in particular. People familiar with my rantings on various forums will be aware I don’t have much time for religion. For me, it’s kinda up there with fairies that live at the bottom of the garden: it’s a quaint, cute, touchingly naïve thing, but something that you really should leave behind in childhood. It’s all so shot full of holes, it’s quite difficult for me to see what the appeal is. Which brings me nicely on to my latest post.
As pretty much everyone in the UK at least will be aware (nothing like legally enforced religious indoctrination in schools, eh?), Christianity is founded on a story. The story goes that, 2000 years ago, God sent his only son to Earth to die for our sins. This is a show of God’s great love for his creation. Personally, I’d love to have been present in the God household when that idea was first floated.
God: So, Jesus. Still unemployed, I see?
Jesus: Well, there’s not much for me to do. You made the Earth and everything in it. Then you killed all the dinosaurs for some reason.
God: Meh, they didn’t quite work out right. A lot of those designs were from the work experience boy.
Jesus: Ah, I remember him. Great big scaly lizard, wasn’t he?
God: That’s the one.
Jesus: Still, you got it right by copying us for the humans.
God: Yeah, they look great, don’t they?
Jesus: Well, half of them do.
God: True, the men never quite looked as good, but what can you do? Anyway, I’ve got a job for you.
Jesus: Do I have to go to Earth?
God: Yes.
Jesus: Does this mean you’re going to take the form of a bull, then rape a woman?
God: You’re thinking of Mr Zeus next door. No, I’ll send the Holy Spirit to knock someone up.
Jesus: Ah, yes. He’s a suave one. Looks uncannily like a young Sean Connery.
God: I think you’ll find a young Sean Connery will look uncannily like the Holy Spirit.
Jesus: Of course. Damn, it’s difficult being everywhere at once sometimes. Makes it really difficult to keep track of what order things happened in Neighbours.
God: On the plus side, I understood “Memento” the first time I saw it. Anyhoo, I need you, as my only son, to go to Earth-
Jesus: Only SON?
[At this point, Jesus points at her D-cup breasts]
God: It’s a male-dominated society; you’ll have to take on male form if you’re going to be taken seriously.
Jesus: Oh, great. You know how uncomfortable those genitals are. So, what am I doing down there, apart from protecting the most ludicrously sensitive, unprotected organ ever?
God: You spread my word, create a new church, and die horribly before being resurrected.
Jesus: Sorry, what was the last bit?
God: What, create a new church? That’ll be easy, just talk a few people into following you and-
Jesus: No, after that bit.
God: Ah. Well, you need to die, then resurrect three days later.
Jesus: What, as a frickin’ zombie?
God: Hmm, I hadn’t quite thought of that. I suppose technically, you would be a zombie.
Jesus: And why have I got to die?
God: So I can forgive the sins of the world.
Jesus: … what the fuck?
God: You have to die so I can forgive the world.
Jesus: How in the name of me does that work?
God: Well…
And that’s where I lose it. Why did God’s only offspring (an aspect of himself, if I remember my RE lessons correctly) have to die so God could forgive the world? Couldn’t God have just, y’know… FORGIVEN US? Who was she trying to impress with this gesture? In short, what the fuck was that all about? Answers please. If any.
As pretty much everyone in the UK at least will be aware (nothing like legally enforced religious indoctrination in schools, eh?), Christianity is founded on a story. The story goes that, 2000 years ago, God sent his only son to Earth to die for our sins. This is a show of God’s great love for his creation. Personally, I’d love to have been present in the God household when that idea was first floated.
God: So, Jesus. Still unemployed, I see?
Jesus: Well, there’s not much for me to do. You made the Earth and everything in it. Then you killed all the dinosaurs for some reason.
God: Meh, they didn’t quite work out right. A lot of those designs were from the work experience boy.
Jesus: Ah, I remember him. Great big scaly lizard, wasn’t he?
God: That’s the one.
Jesus: Still, you got it right by copying us for the humans.
God: Yeah, they look great, don’t they?
Jesus: Well, half of them do.
God: True, the men never quite looked as good, but what can you do? Anyway, I’ve got a job for you.
Jesus: Do I have to go to Earth?
God: Yes.
Jesus: Does this mean you’re going to take the form of a bull, then rape a woman?
God: You’re thinking of Mr Zeus next door. No, I’ll send the Holy Spirit to knock someone up.
Jesus: Ah, yes. He’s a suave one. Looks uncannily like a young Sean Connery.
God: I think you’ll find a young Sean Connery will look uncannily like the Holy Spirit.
Jesus: Of course. Damn, it’s difficult being everywhere at once sometimes. Makes it really difficult to keep track of what order things happened in Neighbours.
God: On the plus side, I understood “Memento” the first time I saw it. Anyhoo, I need you, as my only son, to go to Earth-
Jesus: Only SON?
[At this point, Jesus points at her D-cup breasts]
God: It’s a male-dominated society; you’ll have to take on male form if you’re going to be taken seriously.
Jesus: Oh, great. You know how uncomfortable those genitals are. So, what am I doing down there, apart from protecting the most ludicrously sensitive, unprotected organ ever?
God: You spread my word, create a new church, and die horribly before being resurrected.
Jesus: Sorry, what was the last bit?
God: What, create a new church? That’ll be easy, just talk a few people into following you and-
Jesus: No, after that bit.
God: Ah. Well, you need to die, then resurrect three days later.
Jesus: What, as a frickin’ zombie?
God: Hmm, I hadn’t quite thought of that. I suppose technically, you would be a zombie.
Jesus: And why have I got to die?
God: So I can forgive the sins of the world.
Jesus: … what the fuck?
God: You have to die so I can forgive the world.
Jesus: How in the name of me does that work?
God: Well…
And that’s where I lose it. Why did God’s only offspring (an aspect of himself, if I remember my RE lessons correctly) have to die so God could forgive the world? Couldn’t God have just, y’know… FORGIVEN US? Who was she trying to impress with this gesture? In short, what the fuck was that all about? Answers please. If any.
posted by Sledge @ 01:16
6 Comments:
At 1:55 am,
Anonymous said…
Well said, Jeffrey!
At 12:50 pm,
Anonymous said…
I believe the argument goes: Jesus'/god's/whatever's self-sacrifice up on the ol' cross was a gesture to make sure people a) heard about the christ-clux-clan to start with, and b) bloody well remembered it.
Basically its an attention-grabbing guilt-trip, and one perpetrated also, mainly, to remind most people that they are not the only ones who are suffering every time they run out of toilet paper, mars bas, clean water etc etc. and that the crucifixion was really a rather nasty way to go so unless you'r one unlucky motherfucker then you ain't got it as bad as Jesus had it.
I dismiss all deific religious beliefs entirely as well dude, but I totally see how and why it worked and a large part of the logic behind it; it was the very first and very best global marketing campaign, at the end of the day. And for a product that doesn't exist and can't be faulted! Man, I would have liked to have been in at the ground level on THAT one ;o)
At 3:09 pm,
Sledge said…
So basically, it's a massive guilt trip? Wow, what a great and loving god.
At 11:52 am,
Anonymous said…
yay! Vengeful god! smite is right etc etc
At 4:41 pm,
Anonymous said…
Hmmm. I think you need to go to your local church and get some religion.
At 12:37 pm,
Anonymous said…
Absolute. Legend.
You are the voice of the majority; the average Joe.
Don't ever let anybody prevent you from speaking the truth, whether they are idiotic work-based superiors or Government spooks.
Keep up the good work - get speading that honest truth onto the interweb.
Arse Monkey
(c_a_r_t_e_r_3_5)
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